Over the past few years, running has become like therapy to me, the pavement under my feet, solid and unmoving as I pass by powered by my own pure will. It’s easy to disappear into a song, or a thought or an emotion. Running has become my knee jerk reaction to things I can’t handle at a given moment, it’s a way out, a way to leave everything behind but I appreciated and needed it so much more than I thought I knew after I talked to my grandpa for the last time…
Alone at school it’s difficult to deal with losing someone without breaking down in front of people and looking like a big black streak of mascara mess. In that moment when the phone was clicked off with the sounds of my grandmother sobbing still ringing in my ears, I wanted nothing more than to be there with them or be anywhere but where I was. I ripped off the heels I’d been wearing and walked back to my apartment barefoot trying to hold myself together long enough to make it to the door. As I yanked off my professional clothes and tore my gym shorts and bra on and strapped my shoes to my feet my mind was pleading with me to just get out, just get out, just get away.
30 seconds later with Carrie Underwood’s “Temporary Home” blasting in my ears I took off through campus. I let my feet take me as fast and as far as they could without regard to where I was going or how much my lungs were screaming for air. I couldn’t stop, I could only vaguely feel the rhythm of my feet hitting the sidewalks, my body ceased to exist, I was completely enveloped by my grief which was being propelled out of me through the movement of my legs. I don’t know what route I took, I don’t know who I passed by, I don’t know who may have thought I was crazy. And I didn’t care. I just kept going…
An hour later I found myself walking onto a small grassy knoll by a staged lazy river which was the closest resemblance to the nature I’m used to escaping to back at home. I collapsed on my back unable to move any further. As I looked up at the stars I felt completely empty but satiated simultaneously. I was using the legs my grandfather would never use again, breathing outside air on my own that he could never do again, laying on the grass which he would never feel under him again, looking up at the stars which he would never see again and in that moment I felt such a joy and love for life while wanting nothing more than to give it all to him just one more time.
Even though he’s gone now, he gave me one last parting gift: an energy shot of emotion. This emotion, this love of life of being alive is something so rare and something no one can take away from me. You ask me what my inspiration and motivation is? The opportunity to experience life and love for the temporary moments we are so blessed to have on this earth. So thank you Grandpa, for giving me the shot of life I needed. Love you forever and always.
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